So we all know what it is like to be depressed every once in a while. But do you know what it is like to be a Christian and be in a deep depression? One that you can't shake? One that makes you feel like you are going to hell because you are soo upset with God for "letting this happen"?
Well let me just say, I am the queen of this kind of depression, satan is a pro at this in my life. As a child this hit me all the time, however as a child I didn't recognize it as I didn't start going to church until I was in my 20's. It all started the summer between elementary school and junior high. I had some really bad things happn during that time...My gradfather died, my parents then got divorced (all that happend in 5th grade), that is where all of this stuff started..there is much more too it but a lot of it is very very personal to me and I am not going to get that deep into it. Anyways, satan used all of this as a way to deplete my self esteem at a VERY VERY important time in any child's life. If there is any time in a child's life that they need good self esteem it is the time between elementary school and midle school, the part where we all begin changing.
Ok I said all that just to let you knwo where it all started...As I get older it seems to be getting worse however..
After college I thought everything was going to get better, I was getting married I got a new job right out of college, then DH decided to join the navy after three months of marriage. It blew all my hopes and dreams of having a career, a house, a family...I was very very depressed the first two years of our marriage because DH was gone for 75% of the time. We moved out of state so I couldnt use my education to get another teaching job (that is another pet peeve altogether) and the only place I could work was at Sylvan, which is just a glorifed tutor, and daycare, glorified babysitter. I couldn't do what I really loved and I couldn't be with the man I really loved...I didn't have many friends and the friends I did have were all busy most of the time. I was very lonely and unsure of who I was.
In the midst of all of this I was on infertility treatments...Not good on moods...well somewhere in between DH being gone the meds worked and I got pg and we moved away from Cali and into a small friendly town in WA. I made friends quickly and started enjoying my life again. Only, my due date came and went and still no baby, I finally got an induction date and they refused to allow me to go in and that night my sweet baby died...I never heard his cry, I never saw his sweet eyes...I guess I should add before we got pg with him we had a m/c. So this makes two babies that are now in heaven. After the death of my son I blamed God, I still do!! DH says that satan did it but in all honesty satan can't do anything that God doesn't allow. SO therefore, God allowed this to happen. On top of all this DH was scheduled to leave for deployment in two weeks. Luckily the command allowed him to stay home for an extra month but that was jsut to get me moved back home so I wouldn't be alone for a long period of time.
While he was gone I worked hard at losing 15% of my body weight so that we could start trying again. I got a Dr to get me on the right meds and when DH came home we started trying again. We got pg the first time!! I thought FINALLY, God is giving me a break....a month later we last the baby at 8 weeks(right before Christmas). So all that to say I am pretty much in a deep depression and have had a hard time going to church let alone talking to God or reading the Bible...and today I was looking for a devotional for DH and found a link on how to talk to God in the midst of Depression and thought I would use it as a blog, thinking that maybe just maybe some else that is going through a hard time would find the link and check it out.
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