Ok so I know this blog is about my Christian walk, but isn't our walk a walk through life with Christ? So I am going to talk more about what has happened in my life lately.
First, we got back and into our new place by October 7. On November 14th I believe I found out I was pregnant yet again. (which is where my story for tonight begins) We-which includes all extended family and close friends- were all very excited about this. I went to medical and got an appointment to get a referral, got my referral and my first appointment wouldn't be until a month later. Needless to say that freaked me out a little considering all that DH and I have been through with pregnancies. Anyways we made it to 8 weeks visiting the ER just about once a week becuase I was super worried and it made me feel better to have them tell me everything was going to be ok. However, everything wasn't ok...On December 15, the day before my BIG appointment I lost the baby. I am not sure when the baby went to heaven but a week after words all was done and over with.
Well in light of the recent loss, I decided I can't take the ups and downs any longer and decided to discontinue clomid until I feel more stable emotionally and spiritually. I actually half am begging God to give us a miracle baby. However, my faith is not so strong these days as I don't really trust that God will ever give us a child of our own. It is becoming more and more clear to me that my hopes and dreams from childhood may never be reached. I remember being like 8 years old listening to the radio I had and sitting in my little kids recliner holding my "baby" and singing to it, longing for the days when I would be holding a real baby. I even remember tha at one point it really felt like the "baby" was breathing. I also remember praying one night as a child for God to give me six babies. I wanted three boys and three girls...why that many I am still not sure of maybe so I could name them all...LOL Anyways as long as I can remember that has been my dream in life...heck , when I graduated high school I went into daycare and then education...it seems that is all my life has ever been about. I don't really know where to go now.
DH and I did talk about consentrating on fostering and the hope that maybe we will be able to at least adopt a baby before our time in WA ends. That is about all the hope I have left of becoming a mother. DH on the other hand says he has enough trust and faith in God for the both of us and until I can get mine back he will be the strong one.
After such hut and pain how can one begin to believe and trust again when it feels as though they have been let down time and time again. There is part of me that keeps thinking if I try it again the next time will be IT, but at the same time the hurting part of me knows I couldn't handle losing another baby to Heaven. DH says that he rests knowing that even though we don't have children here we have three in Heaven....For some reason that just brings up anger and jealousy in my heart.
Ok, enough depressing stuff now on to what is going on right now...DH and I jsut finished(as in this past week) getting our fingerprints done. My mom sent in her questionaire about me and DH and hopefully our case is getting somewhere.
As for what is going on with us, nothing, literaly, DH is back out to sea for a short time and I am sitting up at 1:41am trying to figure out what I am going to do with myself for the next few weeks.
I have recently become entralled with crafts(since losing baby #3) as it keeps me busy, but really my hands get tired and it get to be quite expensive.
My current projects: an afghan that matches a pillow I made(sortof ) for SIL, a cross stitch of a chihuahua to frame and hang over Miss Sadie's bed (will take pictures when I am done-if I don't mess it up) and I still need to make the booties to go along with the hat and scarf I made myself. I have decided to try to get good enough to begin selling my crafts. (wouldn't that be great since getting a job in this town is next to impossible unless you are a healthcare worker)
Oh and DH has started his paper work for his re-enlistment. Apparently he is going to re-sign for 5 years and hope he gets a overseas station that will allow him to be home every night. Wonder if the overseas medical has infertility???
I came to the decision that if I can lose the 20-30 pounds I would like to lose by May I will talk to the doc about getting back on clomid at that time to see if we can try again. I am jsut so worried about it all.
Well that is all for now (as you can tell I haven't been doing regular devotions so I will get back to those later.
Prayer list:
-Mama
*her house
*their relationship through all of the hard times
-Grandma
*her health
*finances
-Amy
*wedding
*realtionship
-Jake
*safety
*control
-Us
*our relationship through our grieving
*fostering
*finances
*that God would have a child that is waiting for us
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