Proverbs 7

Basically this chapter is a warning to all men to not be tempted by an adulteress. In this day and age we all know how prevalent adultery is. In reading this passage the Lord laid on my heart to ask forgiveness for my youthful mistakes, one by one, as they each cause dissension in my marriage. Not anything I can pin point. Just in general I began thinking, " If I hadn't made those mistakes, how would my marriage be today?" "Would I feel as entitled as I do on some days?" That led me to thinking about a movie I watched the other night. The movie( I won't put the name so as to not ruin it if you choose to watch it) had a group of women that were all friends. As they began talking one of them revealed that she had only been with her husband. All of the sudden it was another's mission to get her to think like her,even though she was very unhappy in her marriage she was able to on once the other woman that she needed to " see what she was missing".

Why have we allowing this junk in our homes???

Because of the prevalence of sex and adultery( BTW if you are not married and are having sex that is adultery as well-not something I realized before I was married...I knew it but it didn't sink in.) in the media our society has accepted sex outside of marriage.

The bible is clear about this and specifically tells men not to fall for this adulteress as it will take away his blessings. As a matter of fact, it is mentioned 24 times. 22in the old testament and 2 in the new testament. I have heard it said many a times by many pastors,"If it is in there multiple times it must be something God is serious about. In my youthful stupidity, I didn't realize just how serious God was about this issue and truth be told what I wanted mattered more.

As a mom I want to set the best possible example for my son and any future kids we may have.  In order to do this I whole heartedly feel it is important to read the Bible to my son (not the watered down children's version)  and take the medias ideals out of our house.

Share your thoughts and ideas about this subject by leaving a comment for me.

Blog Updated

Ok, so I think I got it to a point that I can deal with it, not sure though.  Feels like it is missing something...anyone have any ideas what maybe wrong...designers????

Starting slowly

Sorry for anyone who has looked here, I am still working on getting this blog the way I want it.  I am also working on other things around the house, as soon as I have everything I am wanting I will starting posting more often.  HA! I also need to organize my thoughts.

One Call Away Book Giveaway

I am giving away a book called One Call Away by Brenda Warner, NFL superstar Kurt Warner's wife.  In the book she talks about how she goes through many trials and tribulations.  However always holds fast to Jesus.  And just like the rest of us she is a sinner and isn't afraid to let us know about it. 



In order to win a copy of this book just comment on my Home{pre}Schooling Jungle blog post.

Try this again

I had stopped using this blog once I found out I was pregnant.  The primary purpose for this particular blog at the time was to try to keep up with my spiritual journey in the midst of the "storm".  Once I got pregnant with Monkey the "storm" became the rainbow after the storm, so I began blogging on a new page to keep my family up to date with everything.  Now this blog has a new purpose.  I am trudging my way through parenthood and looking to God to help me.  Parenthood brings dynamics into our marriage that we never knew was possible, both good and bad.  I am also looking to Jesus for answers and "advise" for this. 

I have NEVER been one to back down easily, and I don't intend to anytime soon.  Please feel free to follow me here or on my homeschooling blog for Monkey or both.  I would love some interaction and possibly the ability to have bible studies with other women in similar positions.

I will also be posting some of our family devotions (or hubby will) on some days. 

Sleepless Nights

I was having a hard day on Saturday and then I wasn't able to sleep that night. During my sleeplessness, I had a thought...
GRIEF

God
Remembers me
In my sadness
Every time a tear falls
For He knows the plans laid out for me
(2-7-09 M.S.L)

God also told me to pick meaningful words and find scriptures that go along with them as a way to help me remember scriptures to get through my hard times. That is my new goal, to find scriptures for all the words that mean a lot to me.

Praying in the midst of depression

So we all know what it is like to be depressed every once in a while. But do you know what it is like to be a Christian and be in a deep depression? One that you can't shake? One that makes you feel like you are going to hell because you are soo upset with God for "letting this happen"?

Well let me just say, I am the queen of this kind of depression, satan is a pro at this in my life. As a child this hit me all the time, however as a child I didn't recognize it as I didn't start going to church until I was in my 20's. It all started the summer between elementary school and junior high. I had some really bad things happn during that time...My gradfather died, my parents then got divorced (all that happend in 5th grade), that is where all of this stuff started..there is much more too it but a lot of it is very very personal to me and I am not going to get that deep into it. Anyways, satan used all of this as a way to deplete my self esteem at a VERY VERY important time in any child's life. If there is any time in a child's life that they need good self esteem it is the time between elementary school and midle school, the part where we all begin changing.

Ok I said all that just to let you knwo where it all started...As I get older it seems to be getting worse however..

After college I thought everything was going to get better, I was getting married I got a new job right out of college, then DH decided to join the navy after three months of marriage. It blew all my hopes and dreams of having a career, a house, a family...I was very very depressed the first two years of our marriage because DH was gone for 75% of the time. We moved out of state so I couldnt use my education to get another teaching job (that is another pet peeve altogether) and the only place I could work was at Sylvan, which is just a glorifed tutor, and daycare, glorified babysitter. I couldn't do what I really loved and I couldn't be with the man I really loved...I didn't have many friends and the friends I did have were all busy most of the time. I was very lonely and unsure of who I was.

In the midst of all of this I was on infertility treatments...Not good on moods...well somewhere in between DH being gone the meds worked and I got pg and we moved away from Cali and into a small friendly town in WA. I made friends quickly and started enjoying my life again. Only, my due date came and went and still no baby, I finally got an induction date and they refused to allow me to go in and that night my sweet baby died...I never heard his cry, I never saw his sweet eyes...I guess I should add before we got pg with him we had a m/c. So this makes two babies that are now in heaven. After the death of my son I blamed God, I still do!! DH says that satan did it but in all honesty satan can't do anything that God doesn't allow. SO therefore, God allowed this to happen. On top of all this DH was scheduled to leave for deployment in two weeks. Luckily the command allowed him to stay home for an extra month but that was jsut to get me moved back home so I wouldn't be alone for a long period of time.

While he was gone I worked hard at losing 15% of my body weight so that we could start trying again. I got a Dr to get me on the right meds and when DH came home we started trying again. We got pg the first time!! I thought FINALLY, God is giving me a break....a month later we last the baby at 8 weeks(right before Christmas). So all that to say I am pretty much in a deep depression and have had a hard time going to church let alone talking to God or reading the Bible...and today I was looking for a devotional for DH and found a link on how to talk to God in the midst of Depression and thought I would use it as a blog, thinking that maybe just maybe some else that is going through a hard time would find the link and check it out.

Not so much talking

Ok so I know this blog is about my Christian walk, but isn't our walk a walk through life with Christ? So I am going to talk more about what has happened in my life lately.

First, we got back and into our new place by October 7. On November 14th I believe I found out I was pregnant yet again. (which is where my story for tonight begins) We-which includes all extended family and close friends- were all very excited about this. I went to medical and got an appointment to get a referral, got my referral and my first appointment wouldn't be until a month later. Needless to say that freaked me out a little considering all that DH and I have been through with pregnancies. Anyways we made it to 8 weeks visiting the ER just about once a week becuase I was super worried and it made me feel better to have them tell me everything was going to be ok. However, everything wasn't ok...On December 15, the day before my BIG appointment I lost the baby. I am not sure when the baby went to heaven but a week after words all was done and over with.

Well in light of the recent loss, I decided I can't take the ups and downs any longer and decided to discontinue clomid until I feel more stable emotionally and spiritually. I actually half am begging God to give us a miracle baby. However, my faith is not so strong these days as I don't really trust that God will ever give us a child of our own. It is becoming more and more clear to me that my hopes and dreams from childhood may never be reached. I remember being like 8 years old listening to the radio I had and sitting in my little kids recliner holding my "baby" and singing to it, longing for the days when I would be holding a real baby. I even remember tha at one point it really felt like the "baby" was breathing. I also remember praying one night as a child for God to give me six babies. I wanted three boys and three girls...why that many I am still not sure of maybe so I could name them all...LOL Anyways as long as I can remember that has been my dream in life...heck , when I graduated high school I went into daycare and then education...it seems that is all my life has ever been about. I don't really know where to go now.

DH and I did talk about consentrating on fostering and the hope that maybe we will be able to at least adopt a baby before our time in WA ends. That is about all the hope I have left of becoming a mother. DH on the other hand says he has enough trust and faith in God for the both of us and until I can get mine back he will be the strong one.

After such hut and pain how can one begin to believe and trust again when it feels as though they have been let down time and time again. There is part of me that keeps thinking if I try it again the next time will be IT, but at the same time the hurting part of me knows I couldn't handle losing another baby to Heaven. DH says that he rests knowing that even though we don't have children here we have three in Heaven....For some reason that just brings up anger and jealousy in my heart.

Ok, enough depressing stuff now on to what is going on right now...DH and I jsut finished(as in this past week) getting our fingerprints done. My mom sent in her questionaire about me and DH and hopefully our case is getting somewhere.

As for what is going on with us, nothing, literaly, DH is back out to sea for a short time and I am sitting up at 1:41am trying to figure out what I am going to do with myself for the next few weeks.

I have recently become entralled with crafts(since losing baby #3) as it keeps me busy, but really my hands get tired and it get to be quite expensive.
My current projects: an afghan that matches a pillow I made(sortof ) for SIL, a cross stitch of a chihuahua to frame and hang over Miss Sadie's bed (will take pictures when I am done-if I don't mess it up) and I still need to make the booties to go along with the hat and scarf I made myself. I have decided to try to get good enough to begin selling my crafts. (wouldn't that be great since getting a job in this town is next to impossible unless you are a healthcare worker)

Oh and DH has started his paper work for his re-enlistment. Apparently he is going to re-sign for 5 years and hope he gets a overseas station that will allow him to be home every night. Wonder if the overseas medical has infertility???

I came to the decision that if I can lose the 20-30 pounds I would like to lose by May I will talk to the doc about getting back on clomid at that time to see if we can try again. I am jsut so worried about it all.

Well that is all for now (as you can tell I haven't been doing regular devotions so I will get back to those later.

Prayer list:
-Mama
*her house
*their relationship through all of the hard times
-Grandma
*her health
*finances
-Amy
*wedding
*realtionship
-Jake
*safety
*control
-Us
*our relationship through our grieving
*fostering
*finances
*that God would have a child that is waiting for us

Finding My Purpose

Ok, so ever since the hubby has been home we have been trying to decide on what to do for a devotional. Well, after everything that happened this past year I have figured out that I don't know what I want out of life...I used to think that my life was all about growing up getting married and having kids. I never really thought much about what I was going to do for a career or what God wanted for my life. Well after I lost my son I guess I realized just how fragile life is and that I don't care as much as I thought I did about material things and I care more about my relationships. Not everyone gets the choice, but God has given me the chance to be able to do as I choose. My husband makes enough for us to "get by" on so that I can search for my purpose.

All my life my parents have tried to instill a good work ethic into me but what for? So I can work my life away and not enjoy it...all so I can have stuff that won't go with me when I die. I don't think that this is for everyone but I truely don't think that God made me to be a teacher or to work at every dead end job I can get all to sufficate my desires to be a wonderful wife and mother.

Now if you are wondering how I am going to be a mother if my son isn't here...my husband and I are looking into fostering and possibly adopting along with trying to get pregnant with another baby. But I just feel as though God is driving me away from a career and more towards doing "civil service volunteer jobs".

SOOOOOO, what to do.... This is my first post of several about this I am sure...as I am only on chapter 3 of a 40 chapter book I am sure some of you have heard of... The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. Really if you are even remotely as confused as I am read it it is worth it!!!

Desiphering What God is Telling me

OK, so I have been reading the bible regularly-though not writing about my readings. I haven't forgotten about my page, like I normally do, but I just can't figure out what God is trying to teach me through the readings I have been doing.

I would use a bible study helper, but I really like finding my own meaning and not trying to interpret someone else's meanings in my life. God usually talks to me about things going on in my life therefore, scriptures tend to come alive for me, but lately I have been reading a lot of "history" in the Bible and am not getting a lot out of it. I feel bad like maybe I am not listening right and just reading to say I did my daily Bible reading.

Then today I realized, sometimes you have to have background knowledge for anything to make sense. Maybe God is just allowing me to learn what happened in the past so I will understand the reading he has planned for me in the future.

I also watched a video today that I find very interesting. It is on you tube, let me see if I can find it again, here it is:






After you watch the first one you have to click on the link for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and so on till you finish watching all 8 videos. It is about an hour long, but definitely worth the watch!!



This video brings up questions in my mind about what I truly believe. I got saved as an adult and started following Christ when I turned 21. I don't know the Bible that well and most of my knowledge comes from what I have heard preached and what I have learned at school (went to a Christian University soon after I got saved). I know the basics, there are 66 books in the Bible and that Psalm is at the center of the bible. I know all the major stories in the bible...but if I got in a heated debate with someone would I be able to prove my beliefs?



The answer is NO, I wouldn't. I don't know where any scriptures are, I know of some and occasionally I remember one I would like to use in my scrapbooks or journal, but I have to search for hours on end to find it.



I desire to KNOW the Bible well enough to show someone where an answer to a question is or be able to help someone or, and this one is the main reason, back up my beliefs. Maybe this is why God hasn't given me any "messages" lately but rather made me interested in the "history" of the Bible, or in the Bible.



Anyhow I think that by watching that video I realized that, I don't really know if I believe what this man says, I want to...I do believe there is a hell and that Satan(Lucifer) and his 'angels' are there, but as to the degree of the description given...not sure I can (or maybe its that I don't WANT to) believe it. After all, some of the things said sound like they come from Hollywood, and he actually uses an image from Hollywood to describe the demon he saw. I don't know...if anyone is actually reading this blog, watch the video and tell me what you think, I would be interested in other people's views.



Also, if there is anyone reading this, I would like to know how you do your bible studies.



The books of the Bible i have read since the last post are:
Esther
Daniel
Ezra
and I am currently reading Nehemiah
so if you have any suggestions on reading these (although Nehemiah is pretty interesting) any thoughts are welcomed.

Prayer requests

• Safety for our sailors and soldiers
• God's will be done during the presidential election
• traveling mercies for Jon and Jessica
• guiding light when traveling back and finding a home church
• strength in our journey to parenthood
• blessings in the process of building a new home for my parents
• wisdom for the future
• guidance in our decisions about fostering
• guidance in a career

Bible Study: Ecclesiastes

This book is thought to be the "journal" of King Solomon. "The Teacher" rants and raves about what is fair and unfair and about how all of life is meaningless. But in the conclusion of this book "the Teacher" decides that no matter what life dishes out one must always remember this one thing, "Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgement, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil"(12:13b-14 NIV)

Verses the spoke to me:

3:1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

God has set a time for everything that happens, it all has a purpose
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3:11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Everything has its time, no one can understand the reasoning God has for the times that they happen
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9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:

10 If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!

11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?

12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Two are better then on and three are not easily broken--in marriage God is the third strand
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5:10 Whoever loves money never has money enough;
whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income.
This too is meaningless.

12 The sleep of a laborer is sweet,
whether he eats little or much,
but the abundance of a rich man
permits him no sleep.

15 Naked a man comes from his mother's womb,
and as he comes, so he departs.
He takes nothing from his labor
that he can carry in his hand.

6:7 All man's efforts are for his mouth,
yet his appetite is never satisfied.

8 What advantage has a wise man
over a fool?
What does a poor man gain
by knowing how to conduct himself before others?

All of these scriptures spoke to me about greediness, about how meaningless it is to be greedy because we all came into this world with not so much as a strand of cloth on our bodies and we will also leave with out any of the things we accumulate. Also much of it says a lot about how greediness and selfishness are never/will never be satisfied.
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7:1 A good name is better than fine perfume,
and the day of death better than the day of birth.
2 It is better to go to a house of mourning
than to go to a house of feasting,
for death is the destiny of every man;
the living should take this to heart.

3 Sorrow is better than laughter,
because a sad face is good for the heart.

4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,
but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.

5 It is better to heed a wise man's rebuke
than to listen to the song of fools.

6 Like the crackling of thorns under the pot,
so is the laughter of fools.
This too is meaningless.

We are only able to learn through our grief and sadness. God gives us trials so that we may grow in him.
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7:14 When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one
as well as the other.
Therefore, a man cannot discover
anything about his future.
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7:18 It is good to grasp the one
and not let go of the other.
The man who fears God will avoid all extremes .
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7:20 There is not a righteous man on earth
who does what is right and never sins.

21 Do not pay attention to every word people say,
or you may hear your servant cursing you-

22 for you know in your heart
that many times you yourself have cursed others.

Words to live by
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7:26 I find more bitter than death
the woman who is a snare,
whose heart is a trap
and whose hands are chains.
The man who pleases God will escape her,
but the sinner she will ensnare.
Sinners will be caught up in their own sins and be unable to get loose.
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8:8 No man has power over the wind to contain it [a] ;
so no one has power over the day of his death.
As no one is discharged in time of war,
so wickedness will not release those who practice it.
Don't worry with how many days you have left on this Earth, now one but God has any control over the time we have on Earth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8:14 There is something else meaningless that occurs on earth: righteous men who get what the wicked deserve, and wicked men who get what the righteous deserve. This too, I say, is meaningless.
Life on Earth is unfair. Earth is not where God resides, it is where Satan reigns...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11:5 As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed [a] in a mother's womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.
Do not try to understand God's reasoning, just accept this life as it is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11:8 However many years a man may live,
let him enjoy them all.
But let him remember the days of darkness,
for they will be many.
Everything to come is meaningless.

Always fear God and remember that Satan is hiding in wait for each of us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11:10 So then, banish anxiety from your heart
and cast off the troubles of your body,
for youth and vigor are meaningless.
Don't be anxious over things you cannot control.
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12:13 Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man.

14 For God will bring every deed into judgment,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil.
Keep God's commandments and remember after everything is said and done only the Lord will be the judge.

Devotional: Suffering

My bible study lately seems to focus on human suffering.

Without thinking about what I was reading, I have read the books of Job, Ruth and Lamentations. Each of those to a degree have dealt with human suffering.

In Job, Satan is allowed to strip Job of everything but his life so that Satan could test Job's allegiances to God. Despite Job's suffering: losing his land and all that he owned, losing all of his children, and losing his wife- Job was still able to remember that God was in charge and that even though he hadn't sinned, he knew that God had a reason for what he was doing and kept praising God(although very frustrated with his predicament).

In Ruth, Naomi loses all of the men in her life. In those times, the men were the ones that owned everything. Therefore nothing belonged to the women (Naomi and her daughters-in-law). When Naomi told them women to go back to their families so that they will be able to have families with someone else, Ruth said she would not leave Naomi and instead became the worker in order to care for herself and her mother-in-law. Through Ruth's faithfulness to Naomi the family was once again blessed.

In Lamentations, the people of the city of Jerusalem have sinned and defiled the city. The suffering in this book was more of a punishment to the people of the city for not following the word of God.

Some of the scriptures that spoke to me are as follows:
3:19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.

20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.

21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.

33 For he does not willingly bring affliction
or grief to the children of men.

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3:40 Let us examine our ways and test them,
and let us return to the LORD.

41 Let us lift up our hearts and our hands
to God in heaven, and say:

42 "We have sinned and rebelled
and you have not forgiven.

(Forgiveness has to be requested...One can't just expect to be forgiven without repentance)
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3:55 I called on your name, O LORD,
from the depths of the pit.

56 You heard my plea: "Do not close your ears
to my cry for relief."

57 You came near when I called you,
and you said, "Do not fear."

(Call upon the Lord and the Lord will save you from your iniquities.)
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5:5 Those who pursue us are at our heels;
we are weary and find no rest.
(We must find rest in Jesus himself.)

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Ok the following excerpt is from a book that was recently given to me called "Starting Your Best Life Now" by Joel Osteen.

Declare God's Favor
Joesph was a young man with a heart full of dreams when his brothers sold him into slavery. Think of being hauled away to Egypt, mistreated, taken advantage of, unjustly accused of rape, and thrown into prison. But the Bible says,"The favor of God was upon Joesph"(Genesis 39:5-23). Despite overwhelming adversity, and no matter what people did to him, he continued to prosper and eventually was put in charge of all Egypt's agricultural affairs.

Ruth was a young widow providing care for her mother-in-law, Naomi, and they were practically starving during a severe famine. Yet Ruth found "favor" with the owner of the grain field (Ruth 2:10), and eventually she and Naomi's dire circumstances turned around, and their needs were supplied in abundance.

When you are living under God's "favor," our favor minded, the Bible says, God's blessings and "love chase after me every day of my life"(Psalm 23:6 The Message). IN other words, you won't be able to outrun the good things of God. Everywhere you go, things are going to change in your favor. Every time you turn around, somebody's going to want to do something good for you.

The favor of God to us in the midst of life's challenges. Inless than a year, the Old Testament character Job lost everything--his family, his business, and his health. He lived in perpetual pain. But in the midst of that dark hour, Job said to God, "You have granted me life and favor"(Job 12:10 NKJV). Amazingly, Job was not delivered, healed, and set free until chapter42! But at the very beginning, when his circumstances appeared most helpless, Job was saying, "God, I don't care how bad the situation get. Your favor is going to turn it around." No wonder God restored to Job twice what he had before!

QUIET YOUR HEART AND RECIEVE GOD'S WORD: "Set your hope wholly and unchangeable on the grace(divine favor)that is coming to you" (1Peter 1:14 AMP)

When you are going through tough times, even if your situation looks impossible, stay in an attitude of faith. Before long God's favor is going to show up, turning that difficult situation around to your benefit. Stay in an attititude of faith and declare the favor of GOd instead of being discouraged and developing a sour attitude. One touch of God's favor can turn everythng around in your life.
______________________________________________________________________________

I decided to add that passage becasue I read it after reading everything and it eliquently stated what was going though my mind through my reading.
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Lord Jesus,

Thank you for giving your life for every single person on this Earth. Thank you for being faithful to us even when we are not faithful to you. Lord Jesus, please forgive me for not trusting that everything that has happened and is happening is in your perfect will. Lord, please help me to see your faithfulness and undying love in this very hard time. Lord Jesus, I pray that soon I will see the divine favor you have for my life. I also ask that you show me the fork in which you wish for me. What is your will for my life? PLease Lord, forgive me for not being faithful to you and to my prayer life. I know that prayer is the one way we are able to talk to you and have a relationship with you. I am trying to change my ways Lord, but I am not strong. I only have strength in you to continue on days that are hard...please pick up the book for me on those days and show me that is what you want from me Lord. Lord Jesus, thank you for the word you have given me and thank you even more for takng my headache away so that I could concintrate on your word Lord. I love you Lord and I pray all of this in Jesus' name. Amen!

Who am I and why and I here?

I am a 28 year old wife and mother. I am a wife to a naval sailor and a mother to two babies that went to Heaven long before I was ready for them to leave. I am a college graduate, I am a teacher. I am a woman that loves children and loves whent they are around. I am also a Christian, a Christian whose life had beed turned upside down in a matter of days, that has lost the love and trust I once had for not only people but for the God and creator of my life. I am desperately searching for hope in a world that is filled with darkness, and for trust when everything seems to be falling apart around me. I am a wife to a wonderful man that loves God and desires to be a spiritual leader, not only in our house but in the world as well.
I am here(on the blog) in an effort to find my way back. With the death of my son, I lost all hope and trust in the Lord. I am desperately seeking guidance, and have been working through my anger and disappointment so that I could start allowing the Lord to guide me in his ways once again.
Here is my testimony(although a few important months have not yet been added to this testimony-in time it will be).

Testimony of my Christian Walk

My walk started a lot later in life then most. You see I grew up in a nice home with a decent family that believed in God and believed that he had died on the cross for us. We believed everything that Christians believed we just never gave our lives over to Christ nor had we gone to church on a regular basis. My testimony is not one of great miracles or God helping me to rid my self of drugs nor pulling me out of a deep hole. I did not have to turn my life around completely. We already were good people who loved and cared for others. None of us were in any major problems that God needed to fix. All we needed to do was realize that we had to accept Jesus into our hearts. I even read the Bible on occasion. Ok, so let's cut to the part where I did accept Jesus into my heart. The truth of the matter is I started going to church out of loneliness. I had one friend that stuck around for more then a year and she was pregnant at the time. For those of you who don't know, when your friends get pregnant and you don't they tend to think you have nothing in common any more--at least at that age they did. Anyhow, back to the story at hand. I went to church because I had graduated from high school and went to a junior college that really didn't have a way for the students to connect with each other. I asked what I needed to do to become a member of the church and the youth pastor (yes I said youth pastor-I was 20 at the time and in the college class) had led me through the steps of becoming a christian and the day after my 21 birthday I got baptised. So there is the story about how I came to Christ. Did I really know what I was doing? NO! But I would soon find out jsut what it meant to be a real christian with a heart for God. Not long after we started going to that church there was a big decision to be made. There was a group in the church that believed there was more to being a christian then the church was willing to let them openly practice. My parents happened to be in that group. I decided to stay with that church for a couple of months. Then I felt as though I should follow my parents that maybe they knew better then I did so I decided to go to this church, which I stayed with for about two years. I had never felt the pressence of God like I did at that church. My faith grew more then I knew was possible. Then God told me it was time for me to find my own way, apart from my parents. So I went off to college and started looking for churches there. I was in college for 4 years and for three years I couldn't find a church that I felt the kind of Godly presence that I felt at the church I went to at home. I struggled desperately to find a church. The second semester of school I found out somethings aboutmy home church that litterally devistated my walk with Christ. I didn't understand how he could let something like that happen. My faith and belief were teetering on nonexisence. Then the last year I found my best friend, soon to be my husband, and the church I desired. I went to church with Jake for two years, one being after I graduated. The pastor at that church married us in February of 2005. About that time I started feeling as though we didn't belong at that church any longer. Three months after we got married, my husband joined the US Navy. We moved 3 months later to California. I was now far from my parents and everything I have ever known and been comfortable with. My faith was almost completely disintegrated. I no longer had the desire to go to church and my husband and I were constantly fighting over money and tithing. After a couple of months we found a church that was suitable enough for us to attend, however, I never quite felt comfortable there. I couldn't find a place to get involoved and to meet people. During the year that we were attending this church my husband had to leave and go on his first deployment. The deployment devistated me even more. I tried to find the strength to make myself go to church but I neve had the desire. In the six months my husband was gone I went to church twice. When he got back I told him that I didn't feel like going back to that church. Despite how I felt we went back a couple more times. Then last Sunday we found a new church, The Rock. In one Sunday God has restored my hope and my faith not only in him but in man. My fires that I had when I was going to the church back home are back!!! Finally!!! The best part is, even though I am still a baby in my walk with Jesus...I have found the desire for church once again. I have found my desire to read the Bible and once again be close to Him!!!